If only couples therapy worked. The problem is that for the most part couples therapy isn't effective. As is well documented, less than one in four couples that seek couples therapy experience long-term improvement in their marriage (e.g. Atkinson, 2002). This is totally unacceptable. But it speaks volumes. Why are the statistics on long term effectiveness so poor? There are earnest, hard working, well meaning and talented therapists working with couples. So what's the problem? Our experience in this field over the last 20 years tells us that couples therapy is so often ineffective because many couples therapists have not yet traveled far enough on their own path of developing true long-term intimacy which limits their ability to guide couples along this psychologically demanding journey.
In this article we will present a strong conceptual model of the couple relationship, one that IS simple, yet powerful in helping couples achieve long-term change. The foundation of this model lies in the work of Bader and Pearson (1988, 2000). It is a model that requires a strong capacity for intimacy from the couples therapist. We will assert that this capacity, that the couples therapist be a "grown up", is a prerequisite of any truly effective couples therapy. It is our hope that this article will help spur the reader's development as a more effective couples therapist. Because couples therapy deals with the most intimate of human relationships, the ability to truly help couples achieve long-term change demands a high level of intimacy issue resolution from couples therapists themselves. We cannot help couples go farther on the path of intimacy than we ourselves have gone. Unfortunately, this crucial issue of the therapist's own growth is pretty much ignored in couples therapy training and literature. Strangely, considering our profession, it seems odd not to incorporate the subject.
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When we speak of intimacy we are not talking here about the ability to feel close to another or the ability to care for clients or to self-disclose. These are important, of course, but many therapists do these things and create strong bonds with their clients. Instead, we're talking about therapists having worked through their own issues in dealing with the negative aspect of intimacy, what we call the "dark side" of passion.
A common misconception in Western culture is that passion is all about love and sex, the wonderful, warm, hot, loving, close aspect of an intimate relationship. We have forgotten that just as essential to passion is its dark side, passion as agony. In fact, the English word "passion" is derived from the Latin word "passio", meaning suffering.
The dark side of passion for any couple is their experience dealing with their negative "hot" feelings, with their differences and conflicts. This is where many couples therapists fail their clients because the therapist has not developed his or her own ability to deal with the dark side of passion well in his or her own personal life. The maturation of this personal capability in the therapist is fundamental to effective couples therapy.
Because the couple's failure to deal effectively with the dark side of their passion has contributed to their difficulties, it is crucial to the process of creating positive long-term change in couples that each therapist have experience with the dark side of passion themselves. We teach our clients that conflicts in any intimate relationship are inevitable, but not necessarily destructive or indicative of relationship failure. In fact, we tell them that differences can be the fodder for the growth and evolution of a relationship, whether we welcome them or not. But in order to help them achieve such growth we must already have journeyed successfully along this road to intimacy. Otherwise we are the blind leading the blind.
But even if we are "sighted" we therapists need a simple yet powerful conceptual model to structure and direct our work with couples. This model that enables couples therapist to create long-term and effective change for couples is the Differentiation Model of couples therapy.
The Differentiation Model was developed most notably by Ellyn Bader and Pete Pearson (1988). As the title suggests, differentiation is the central concept of the model. So what IS differentiation? It is the ability of the individual to express and hold onto one's sense of self, one's values, feelings, ideas and desires while facing the tension that is created when an intimate or significant other disagrees. In the face of this tension, the differentiated individual maintains his or her perspective and attendant feelings while simultaneously respecting, though not necessarily agreeing with the views of the other. In contrast, when we are not yet differentiated we avoid the tension of the differences by trying to get the other person to agree with us or by (resentfully) complying with their position.
Using differentiation as the keystone to an individual's development and the couple's growth, the Differentiation Model is elegant in its simplicity. The model has three main elements. One is that it is a developmental model of long-term love relationships. Two is that this development revolves around the process of growth in the couple from symbiotic to differentiated functioning. And three, one of our contributions to the Differentiation Model, is the concept of the Three Intimacies. We assert that there are three types of intimacy that govern any couple's progress, or lack thereof, in evolving and navigating from symbiotic to differentiated functioning.
The Differentiation Model assumes a developmental approach to understanding relationships. Just as individuals proceed through an unfolding, developmental process (e.g. Erikson, Piaget) so do couples. As we conceptualize it, this process consists of four developmental stages.
Stage 1 is what we call Sweet Symbiosis, the honeymoon phase at the beginning of a love relationship. It is filled with love and passion and marked by the two partners merging into one identity. This is symbiotic functioning at its intoxicating best. This symbiotic magic is what many couples try in vain to recapture for many years hence.
It is also the stage. This magical time, when "love is blind", is almost always essential for long-term love success because it creates the deep, strong bond that will be necessary for the couple is to weather the inevitable arrival of their differences which create tension between them.
The appearance of their individuality and differences is the hallmark of Stage 2, Soured Symbiosis when the honeymoon is over as each partner begins to realize that there are things about the other that he or she does not like, when the first disillusionment occurs. This is the stage that the vast majority of couples who come for therapy find themselves mired in. It is marked by the couple's struggle to develop the ability to be highly intimate once the blinders of Sweet Symbiosis have vanished. This stage can last for years as many marriages never get beyond Soured Symbiosis. Consequently, the relationship erodes and instead of fighting for the relationship, one or both partners either run away through infidelity and/or divorce or they settle for a stagnated relationship that has failed its promise.
But if each partner owns his or part in the relationship's problems and sincerely works on those issues and weaknesses, the couple can get to Stage 3, Differentiation. This is the stage when each partner struggles within the self and with the partner to learn how to deal with the dark side of passion. The key is being able to stay differentiated in conflict, to be able to hold onto the realization that the partner's negative feelings, his or her hurt, disappointment and anger is about the partner, not about me. As Pete Pearson likes to say, this is all about being able to be "curious, not furious". Also vital is the ability to self define, to hold onto one's self in the face of the tension of conflict and to be able to stand up for one's self constructively and effectively.
If the couple continues this work, learns this new, more mature intimacy through differentiation, they then enter Stage 4, Synergy. It is then that the couple has learned how to handle the dark side of passion well and they have realized that as they work through the tension, the wonderful, loving aspect of passion returns and is enriched. Through this process the relationship is strengthened and the couple has created a loving bond and a life together for the long-term that is greater than either of them. They both merge and differentiate to create a mature long-term love relationship.
It is important to note here that the movement of couples through these stages is bi-directional. For example, during times of high stress, couples that have reached Stage 3 and 4 functioning often regress to earlier, less mature functioning levels. For example, this can be seen when there is a serious illness in the family. One or both spouses often become more symbiotic. But if the couple has grown into differentiated functioning previously, the partners would be expected to be able to work through the struggle and successfully reestablish differentiation.
With the Differentiation Model in hand, the well-equipped couples therapist then needs a set of clear tools to teach and create differentiation in both the individual and the couple. In our work helping couples move from Soured Symbiosis into Differentiation and Synergy we focus on what we term the Three Intimacies: Self Intimacy, Conflict Intimacy and Affection Intimacy. We use these concepts to help ourselves and our clients understand what cements and feeds a healthy long-term relationship. Embedded within these concepts are the tools that we use and teach our clients in order to strengthen their three Intimacies.
In short, Self Intimacy (SI) refers to the individual's moment-to-moment awareness of his or her feelings, desires and thoughts. And the tool we use and teach our client to develop his/her SI is the Emotional Self Awareness exercise (Solomon & Teagno). Conflict Intimacy is the ability of couples to get through conflict, tension and differences well and the tool used is the Initiator-Inquirer exercise (the I-to-I; Bader & Pearson). And the third Intimacy is Affection Intimacy which we define in four ways: verbal, actions, non-sexual physical and sexual. With an understanding of the three Intimacies and how to assess how competent each partner is with each, the therapist can introduce and use the ESA and I-to-I exercises to help the couple develop their Self Intimacy and Conflict Intimacy within and without the sessions.
Couples Therapy For Grown Ups - Teach More Than Compromise, Teach Intimacy in Conflict Esa